this still makes me smile, even though i dont have it for myself right now

"you don't know what love is/you wouldn't do this if you did" - "She Said", Plan B

hey you! i read it :)

favorite!

story of my life!

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” - Oscar Wilde

“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”

From the tumblr of Richmond writer, Glory Szabo, who explains my feelings exponentially well

there are so many other people who can see how great I really am.  so why am i waiting around for the one person who doesn't?

happily ever after :)

When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.

Paulo Coelho

i'm not sure if this is telling me to keep fighting, or to give up... 

my three words? "crush one passion"

I hope that the worlds turns, and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.

Valerie, V for Vendetta

someday, this is really going to kill me. 

because he took a piece away when it shattered, so there's always a hole in you that he holds. 

options

1. not talk to you, lose you now, possibly get back together a long time from now, possibly not get back together ever, miss you forever. 
2. talk to you when i can, give you what you want in hope that you'll realize what you're missing... but how could you realize what you're missing if i'm still there?. salvage what i can. 
3. talk to you about what's going on and make a decision based on what you say. but is that decision really for me? 
4. take it one day at a time and trust that everything's going to be okay, regardless of what actually happens.

i am so sick of getting hurt for no reason.  it's time for these tears to have a purpose. 

security

i dont know if i'm okay with whats happening between us. but i dont know if i'm not okay with it either... i just dont want to have to miss you anymore.

relay for life

it was nice, being with you there.  we were flirting, i know, but there was that one time when Maddy went to take a picture that you didn't put your arm around me.  maybe that was you trying not to lead me on.  actually, it probably was, but it was at the beginning of the night and things (between you and i) only went up from there.

i might be overanalyzing this, instead of taking it for what it was: a nice night out with friends.  but i can't keep forcing myself to be just friends with the boy who used to be my everything. it's not fair.

i know i need to start taking advice and not talk to you, at least for a little while.

but won't that hurt me more?

oh good, cuz i'm terrified.

yesterday

"are you getting back together?!" count: 8
"i don't know" count: 8
"you should!" count: 5
"oh" count: 3

but i wish i did

somewhere out there, is a guy who will treat me like this. i don't know if it's you (i hope it is), but i can't wait to find him and give him my love right back. 

timing

when is it time to stop listening to my heart and start listening to my head? 

why

it's different.  i can't text you whenever i want to, i can't ask you how you're feeling, i can't tell you what i'm going through. i can't curl up next to you in my bed and cry on your shoulder, i can't hear you whispering it's okay while you stroke my hair.
i can't stroke your hair at your locker, i can't run to you and tell you my latest math grade, i can't call you "honey" in a text or tell you i still love you or kiss your pain away.
i can't ask you to come to a lacrosse game, i can't text you out of the blue, i can't know what you're feeling and thinking.
i can't know if we're going to get back together, and that's all i really want to know; that you still love me and are missing these things, too. 
i can't ask you the best path for me to take without showing you every ounce of how i'm feeling, every speck of what's breaking my heart, every single corner of the hurt that consumes me.

it's so different, yet i still want it.  i know what we had, and i know i'll never give up on it, not for a million years, not if it kills me a hundred thousand times.  i don't know if that makes me noble or foolish.

 probably a mixture of the two.

It’s work. The person you love is rarely worthy of how big your love is. Because no one is worthy of that and maybe no one deserves the burden of it, either. You’ll be let down. You’ll be disappointed and have your trust broken and have a lot of real sucky days. You lose more than you win. You hate the person you love as much as you love him. But, shit, you roll up your sleeves and work - at everything - because that’s what growing older is.

DENNIS LEHANE, MYSTIC RIVER (2001)

inspiration, part II

I was used to feeling different, but never this different.  Never this wonderful. 


this boy gives me hope that everything's still alright in the world, that God still knows what he's doing. 

what does this mean for me?

Before I knew you, I thought brave was not being afraid. You’ve taught me that bravery is being terrified and doing it anyway.

Laurell K. Hamilton (Blood Noir)

(Source: myquotelibrary, via myquotelibrary)

APUSH inspiration

"Let me tell you something you already know... The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done.'' -Rocky Balboa 

i'd risk it all, for you

jordan, from the pact and nineteen minutes and salem falls.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.

ALBERT EINSTEIN 

"The saddest day in the world will be the one when I stop pretending." 
— Jodi Picoult

you will never be just a friend to me. 

i wish i knew

i tell everyone i don't want you right now, and i'm right, i don't. you break my heart a thousand times a day, and you give it wings a thousand more.

i cry over you still. i wish i didn't, i wish i was stronger, but i do.  it's been a month, almost, and i can't pass you in the hallway without wanting to rush up to you, and grab you, and kiss and hug and love you like i used to.

will we try this again? will the universe give us another shot, the one i know we deserve? will we jump forward a hundred steps in our relationship, be happy with each other?

can we, please?

for bj.

i'm so sorry for begging for more. truth is, you were enough for me, and it took losing you to realize you were all i ever needed.

sometimes it's easier to say you don't care, than to explain all the reasons why you do. 

if i could read your mind, would i find any trace of me at all?

but i'm afraid

being strong isn't the absence of fear.  it's the conquering of it... that means it's gonna hurt.  but you just gotta put on your armor, pick up your sword, and fight.

i hate how everything moves on your timeline. i hate how i can't get better because i can't stop missing you, but you're chugging along like nothing's wrong.  do you ever think of me?  do you ever dream of me? 


do you ever see me in the hallway and want to run up to me, to hug me, to kiss me, to joke around with me?  do you miss it, like i do?  

i've always believed that everything happens for a reason, but i can't see the reason why the universe would take you from me, unless it was to give you back.

It’s a weird feeling though
What? knowing that it’s over?
No, being the only one in the world that knows it’s not

it's gonna hurt anyway. question is, which one is worth it? -james

9172.) I know you are not worth it anymore, but I still really miss you.

(Source: blogconfession)

makes me smile :)

• ME: Yay! I got the job!
• MOM: I’m so proud of you!
• MOM: WOW MOM WOW MOM WOW MOM WOW
• MOM: That’s your mom doing cartwheels, I’m so happy!

july 10

looking forward to a great three weeks, University of Connecticut :)

bummer

When people say time heals, they are wrong. Time simply extinguishes hope. New mothers are told to let infants cry at night to learn to sleep alone— Just a week and you’re free! Yes, it takes on week of abject misery to break the spirit, to inure it to abandonment and betrayal. Maybe it took longer with me, but by then I was grown. If I’ve devoted myself to Mark’s happiness it’s because I can’t see well or perceive well. If he laughs or is happy, then I know things are okay. If he feels cold, I take a sweater. In the absence of true love and true joy, maybe it’s best to treat happiness like any other need- hunger, exhaustion, thirst- factually recognized, functionally resolved.

ANTHROPOLOGY OF AN AMERICAN GIRL

getting back together

[3:17:54 PM] ***: i have to stop and think about it only because sometimes i really want to

[3:17:57 PM] ***: but most of the time i don't

you'd think this would make me stop. you'd think i'd recognize the futility of it all, you'd think i'd stop holding on because it's easier than getting hurt, but it's not. it's surprising what hope can do, and i'm hoping for a million different things right now. 

i'm hoping for you to change your mind, and i'm hoping to find someone else. 

i'm hoping to be found deserving of someone who deserves me, and won't give me the nonsense. 

i'm hoping to be happy. 

The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.

John Pierpont

"When you lose someone, it feels like the hole in your gum when a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place, where all nerves are still a little raw" — Jodi Picoult (House Rules)

hey, where the hell are we?

purgatory.

 [pur-guh-tawr-ee, -tohr-ee]  Show IPA

noun, plural -ries, adjective

–noun
purification, so as to achieve the holiness necessary to enter the joy of heaven

makes me feel less stupid

Faith in ourselves and others enables us to achieve what we never thought we could, it allows us to move past logical limits and parameters set by logic and reason. faith has made a greater impact on all of us than any other concept in history....people have put their faith in seemingly lost causes and endured and even thrived. without faith, humans cant be humans – Ryan Pugliese 

wishing you understood just how much you still mean to me. 

here goes nothing

I cannot wait to be here.

do i?

sorry?

i shouldn't apologize to you for what i did.  there was nothing wrong... you left me, you removed yourself from me... you know that if i had the choice, things would be different, much different.  but i didn't, and now i have to make a far harder one: listen to what everyone else is saying (tell you to leave me alone, stop talking to you, don't go back, don't get my hopes up for something that may - or may not - happen), or listen to my heart.